Reflections on Becoming a Better Listener as a Person Who Stutters

Have you heard people compliment PWSs as good listeners? If yes, do you agree with it? Some believe PWS are inherently good listeners, but from my experience and observations, it may not always be the case, which depends on how we define quality listening. From the surface level, we may perceive those who keep quiet and stay attentive as good listeners. In cases where we choose to be silent to avoid troubles, hide our stutter, worry about how to respond, or are not interested in the topic, we may not be able to focus on listening. Everyone’s attention span is limited, and it is also impractical to demand ourselves to listen with full attention all the time. Living with my stutter for decades, I focused too much on how to improve my speaking skills, either in terms of fluency, manner, or clarity. The importance of listening is often overlooked, which tremendously influences our interpersonal relationships, life satisfaction, and mental health. The following will discuss the common pitfalls in achieving quality listening, with useful resources that may address them.  

Practically speaking, we listen in a target-oriented manner to obtain information. In the context of academic assessment, I got good grades for Chinese and English listening exams, as I could quickly dictate the content as required. Listening in language tests is target-oriented, with objective standards that we can practice without actually facing people. Besides, I enjoy listening to podcasts during commuting and solitude, for leisure and informal learning. Similar to reading books and watching informative videos, the knowledge and information I heard from radio programs sometimes provided me with engaging content for conversations. We have freedom of choice in picking the episodes, pausing whenever we need to, or even tuning the playing speed. These kinds of one-way listening are largely different from real-life interactions in that immediate responses are expected. 

Every PWS stutters differently, apart from learning to accept my stutter, I am halfway on the journey before I can feel comfortable and at ease while listening to other PWS. Reflecting upon the variety of responses we received, PWS should know better what a supportive listener is meant to be. Negative reactions when people heard me stutter, including making fun, showing impatience, or criticizing my way of speaking. Somewhat neutral ones, such as trying to finish my sentences, giving unhelpful advice, or feeling shocked for not knowing how to respond. Without any instructions, it is hard for a person who does NOT stutter to understand our needs and expectations. Therefore, I believe we could take the initiative to communicate our preferences, especially towards people who are important to us. 

In general, giving appropriate responses in terms of timing, manner, content, and quantity are major challenges when we listen to others. During two-way conversations, I am aware of myself being impatient and impulsive. When I strongly echoed what another person shared, in the hope of showing my understanding, I started sharing related stories and comments. Even if my intention was positive, it might have shifted the focus and discouraged the speaker from giving further elaborations. A better way to show empathy is to listen thoughtfully, reply with paraphrasing, and ask questions if appropriate, such that the speaker would enjoy being heard. 

Another difficult situation is when receiving hostile comments, which may activate our self-defensive mechanism. If we communicate with offensive responses and get emotional, conflicts may arise and intensify. Growing up in an environment with endless conflicts, I used to think about winning arguments until I discovered that addressing emotions is crucial in resolving disagreements. For example, in a family setting, ideally, every member should have equal rights in expressing themselves. It takes a gradual process to hold myself from rebutting opposite opinions, not even with my inner voice of how nonsensical or boring those ideas sound. Only through uninterrupted expression could we put aside our presumptions and judgment and genuinely put ourselves in someone else’s shoes.

Counseling is based on a humanistic psychological approach, which emphasizes the power of active listening, in which the counselor takes the role of a fully engaged listener. I experienced as a participant in a narrative group session that during the process of self-expression, individuals can sort out their life events, and seek out alternative interpretations of the negatives. For example, there are internal and external resources that help me overcome stuttering-related traumas, and the challenges provide me with unique opportunities for self-understanding and growth. In church, I was introduced to spiritual listening, which involves direction-seeking and deep listening to a companion. With these insights, I tried out a simple activity in my stuttering support group. In groups of 3, we each took turns to play the role of speaker, listener, and observer. Within the time limit, the speaker can share anything. After each round, we shared what we experienced, heard, and saw. Different from usual free-flow conversations, when the listener and observer were asked not to respond verbally, they naturally paid more attention to noticing the speaker’s non-verbal clues. 

The above principles are easier said than done; therefore, being a good listener requires intentional practice. If you are not an innate good listener, like me, it is never too late to start. Self-awareness lets us identify our limitations. Confidence is key to unlocking our potential through our personalities and abilities. We shall celebrate the small improvements we made and review incidents that we did not handle well. Learning about the power of listening, I believe PWS could apply the experience of living with stuttering in finding ways to become a more successful communicator.

For International Stuttering Awareness Day (ISAD) 2024, stories and experiences with stuttering by PWS.